Relationship Mush and Mire

ADHD: a Relationship Killer

2009-07-16T09:06:00.000-07:00

Part of the problem is how his brain works. And, as I've mentioned many times at Persephone's Box, I question how much leeway to give because of this disorder. If he had a physical disability that made it very, very difficult to do laundry, I wouldn't think twice about making laundry my job. Instead he says it makes him feel dizzy turning back and forth from the basket to the line - and he puts it off for weeks until I give in and end up doing it anyway.

Because housework's a low priority for him, he simply can't do it. That's what kept me trying and trying with him for almost six years. But there's that niggling feeling that he can, he just won't. That's what has him looking for a new place.

Shortly after we hooked up, I was having a 7th birthday party for my daughter. He asked if he could come. I agreed, and thought it was sweet that he wanted to be part of it. He showed up without a gift, and he said he needed to fix his bike and asked for some tools. He turned it upsidedown on the deck, right in front of the patio door. Then he got my toolbox and spread my tools out in front of him. The party guests had to slide around him to get in and out of the house. He worked on his bike a while, and I kept tidying up the tools - trying to put things away that he wasn't using. He kept stopping me, "Don't worry. I'll clean this all up when I'm done. I hate people cleaning up after me."

You know, I think it's funny how often, in my life, people insist vehemently that they're one way, and they're really the opposite. Guy won't let me clean up, and he's a slob. He was strangely careful about intruding in my life - refusing to use my bathroom or even come inside my house for the longest time - then he totally took over. Another guy I dated once borrowed a quarter and made a big deal about paying it back, "I always pay back my debts!" Then he emptied my bank account and refused to return any of it, "It's not stealing because I'm going to pay you back." Boy, can I pick 'em!

Anyway, he didn't help with the party or play with the kids at all; he just worked on his bike. He let my 5-year-old son help him a bit, so that's something. And he ate lots of food without helping to make or serve any of it. It was all very annoying.

But worst of all came later, after he finished with his bike and rode it home. I went out back, and there were all the tools still spread out around the deck. He hadn't pick up a single one. And I ended up cleaning up after him after all. This dynamic hasn't changed one iota. He insists he'll clean, but really it just means delaying my cleaning up after him and forcing all of us to tolerate the mess longer.

But he seems totally baffled by this. He seems completely unable to do anything differently. He wants to be the kind of guy who tidies up, but he just can't.

We had a ritual when he moved in. I insisted, since he didn't want to get married, that we do something significant to mark the occasion. I planned a private 20-minute ceremony of sorts that would be a very authentic, emotionally honest event - a real joining of two people instead of a show for an audience.

In the middle of my vows, he excused himself. He just had to do something quickly. I thought he must have to go to the bathroom. What else could make someone leave in the middle of something like this. He came back ten-minutes later with a hamburger. He explained he was hungry, and couldn't really think about anything until he ate.

Now he could have told me before we started that he wanted to eat first. But he didn't. He waited until it was part-way through, and I felt sabotaged. Yet that's just what he does - all the time. So I question how much the behaviour is malicious, and how much it should be excused as part of his disability.

Recently, after telling him he has to go, he wanted to make me a special dinner. I told him we're all hungry, so he'd have to get on it and make it soon. Hungry kids make for crabby kids. He was fine with that and immediately went out to get all fresh ingredients. I relaxed on the porch while he disappeared inside. After well-over an hour, with hungry kids asking about dinner, I went in to see if I could help get things on the table faster. He was doing an oil-change on his car, and all the food was untouched in grocery bags on the counter.

He insisted the oil-change was long overdue, and he had better do it now because he was thinking about it right now. No, it couldn't wait until after dinner, because he'd forget about it again. You don't understand, he insisted, how big a problem it is if you don't do regular oil changes. And instead of moving the garbage can to the driveway to dump the oil, he carried the oil to the garbage which was on the deck, and he spilled oil all over the deck - where we'd eventually be eating.

And he's baffled that I'm annoyed.

It's hard to wait for him to move. I want him out TODAY!

Housekeeping

2009-07-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

When I made that final decision to end the relationship, I found myself dancing in the house, and I realized I was humming, "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead." I think that's a sign that I'm making a very wise move here.

I was thinking a bit about what I'm asking of guy when I demand that he tidy up after himself. Not only has he never done that before in his life, but he has never seen another man clean. It's a totally foreign behaviour for him. And it may even be akin to asking him to act like his mom.

When I first told him, he was totally okay with it - very rational and understanding. "I guess it's time." Now, a few weeks later, he's starting to walk around the house crying. And yesterday he was beating himself up for it because "Crying is for girls." He's really been brainwashed to accept all those macho stereotypes of men and women. So for him to clean would be humiliating.

And he totally glorifies his dad. He emulates him completely. Asking him to clean, perhaps, is asking him to reject part of what constitutes his dad.

Or maybe he's just a lazy fuck.

Either way, soon I won't be picking up after him any more!

E-Dating

2009-07-14T05:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, I swear to god I'm not looking for another relationship right now. In fact I dance around the house when I realize sweet singlehood will soon be mine again. But I just had to check out what all the fuss was about eHarmony.

You can sign up and get matches for free, they just charge you to communicate with anyone. So I did their lengthy questionnaire, and I had a match immediately!! It was a guy who's postal code is just a few neighbourhoods away, and I read his age and profession and about his family and his hobbies.... And then I realized I work with this guy! The information (and first name) was so specific, it just has to be him. It was all very Pina Colada-y, and I immediately tried to delete my profile, failed, and just changed some pertinent information instead.

This is a guy who is very sweet and independent and funny, and really he is a perfectly good match on paper. But years ago he actively pursued me, and I fled. He's a fussbudget. Just recently he had a wild party where all he did all night was clean up after people. I felt really bad every time I put down an empty beer bottle, and he'd swoop in to clear it off the table. He's not someone I could ever relax with.

And really, for me, it's all about a chemical connection. It's just not there for me with him.

It's there in spades for me with my current guy, but he's the polar opposite.

I also tried Compatible Partners which is the gay/lesbian subsidiary of eHarmony. It's silly that it's not all together, because the questionnaire was identical. I don't have a match there yet.

What I'm really looking for is an eBuddy site. I'd love to just fill in some questions, identify myself as into philosophy and feminism and environmental activism and see if I can find other like-minded people to hang out with. Maybe some genious will start one up soon and cash in large on all the lonely people out there.

Post, The First

2009-07-11T18:59:00.001-07:00

I wanted to start a blog that's a bit more private than Persephone's Box - primarily one that's unread by my partner, so I can write without self-censorship. I think he'll be moving out the end of August, but he's making no motions to do so. At the apartments we own, one will be vacant then, so if he still doesn't have a place, I'll slide him in there somehow. It's not ideal because it's just a few houses away, but I'm hoping he'll see the problems with those logistics too one day soon, and be more motivated to get his own place a bit farther away.

Just last week an old bf contacted me, and we met for beers. He's attracted, but I'm not nearly ready for anything. But as we talked, although he's very kind and considerate and all that, I realized it would be out of the frying pan into the fire. He also has a very dominating, religious mom who has gotten in the way of his two previous marriages. And unlike my current guy, this one smokes, voted conservative, and is catholic. Yikes! And he's not particularly interesting to talk to. But he looks like George Clooney, and he's a thoughtful, warm guy. And it was awfully nice to be told I'm soooo beautiful. It was a brief but much needed pick-me-up if nothing else.

But sorry, no cigar. (so to speak)